Expansion with Desi Batista

Identity Shifts That Change Everything | Melissa Bright

• Desi Batista

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Most of the women we know who feel stuck aren’t lazy, confused, or missing some magical productivity system. They’re high-achievers. They’re responsible. They’re doing the work. And yet their income, confidence, boundaries, or consistency keep snapping back to the same level. That’s why this conversation with self-help coach Melissa Bright lands so hard: the problem often isn’t strategy, it’s identity.

We get into the real-world labels that quietly run the show, like “I’m always going to struggle,” “I mess everything up,” or “I have to be perfect to be safe.” Melissa shares how grief, childhood conditioning, and a harsh inner critic shaped her self-worth and her money beliefs, and how those beliefs later recreated the same patterns in relationships and finances. From there, we unpack what she sees with high-achieving women: procrastination, overthinking, perfectionism, burnout, and self-sabotage that make no sense until you look at the self-image underneath.

A big theme is nervous system regulation. When you level up, your body can treat visibility, pricing, and responsibility like danger. Melissa explains how she learned to create safety with mindfulness, breathwork, and smaller steps that build evidence over time. We also talk pricing confidence, imposter syndrome, and the meanings we attach to outcomes, plus how to make a plan for the wobble moments so one “no” doesn’t send you back to your old identity.

If this conversation sparks something in you, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s been stuck, and leave a review so more women can find it. And if you’re doing everything right but can’t break past a certain level, DM the word stuck on LinkedIn.

Books mentioned:
Atomic Habits by James Clear - https://amzn.to/4dvefJD

Connect with Melissa Bright:
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itsmelthemindsetcoach
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melissabright_
Podcast: The Bright Side of Life https://www.thebrightsideoflifepodcast.com/episodes/

If this episode sparked something in you, share it with a woman who needs to hear it.

DM me "stuck" if you're doing everything right but can't break past a certain level.

Connect with Desi Batista: 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/desibatista/ 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DesiBatista 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamdesibatista 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@iamdesibatista

1:1 Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/desibatista/30min

Subscribe and leave a review if this show is adding value. It helps other women find it.

The Struggle Identity Starts Early

SPEAKER_00

I accepted the identity of just you're gonna be on the struggle bus forever. Your mom doesn't come from money, your whole family doesn't really come from money. That's just what you're gonna be.

SPEAKER_01

Most high achievement women don't have a strategy problem. They have an identity problem. Melissa Bright is a self-help coach that helps women stop getting in their own way. In this conversation, we're exploring the identity shifts that have to happen before income and success expand. Welcome, Mel. I'm really glad you're here.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you, Desi. I'm excited for this conversation.

SPEAKER_01

Before you were supporting other women with self-worth, what was your relationship like with yourself?

SPEAKER_00

Oh not good. Not good. Um, but it was nothing that I was like really aware of um until I started doing this work back in 2020. Um inner critic was pretty loud. Um, there were definitely some big things, events in my life that um shaped that, you know, just losing my mom at 25 really shook my self-worth more than I ever thought it could. But when you kind of lose that support system, some of your identity like start like who am I without my mom? Like I like just figuring all this stuff out on your own. Um, so before that, it was it just I was at war with myself and it just wasn't wasn't fun. So yeah, I wanted to change that and not be at war with myself anymore.

SPEAKER_01

So what did your like daily life look like at that point?

SPEAKER_00

Before like doing this work?

SPEAKER_01

Before.

SPEAKER_00

Well, one, I was not doing what I wanted to do. I was a travel agent. I was a travel agent because um my ex-boyfriend's mom was in the industry and got me into it. It was fun, it was great, got to travel to awesome places, but I knew in my heart of hearts that that's not what I wanted to do. So I just felt like I was going just along with life, just feeling like it was something to survive and just get through. It wasn't like I made this choice and now I'm getting to reap the benefits of this choice. It was just anything that that was coming at me from life, I was just dealing with in the moment. Um, and I didn't like that. Like deep down, there was always something that was like, I am supposed to be doing something else, living a different way. But am I even worthy of that? What does that even look like? What does that even mean? I don't know, but I know it's something's down there boiling, but I don't know what it is. Um so yeah, just not get not living life the way I wanted it, one and two.

Labels That Quietly Run Your Life

SPEAKER_01

So are there any like labels that you lived quietly under? Like, um, you know, I'm the responsible one, I'm behind, I'm not consistent.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Um, the two biggest labels that have held me back was I'm just always gonna be a struggling single mom. Um, I had my daughter at 16, and that is kind of a label that society places on you in the first place that oh, you have a kid young, you're gonna struggle for sure. I did for sure. Um and then with my mom being a struggling single mom after my parents divorced, subconsciously, unbeknownst to me, this was driving so many behaviors. I accepted the identity of just you're gonna be on the struggle bus forever. Your mom doesn't come from money, your whole family doesn't really come from money. That's just what you're gonna be. Um, you're not one of those people that makes$100,000,$200,000, whatever. Like that's not ever gonna be your life. Um, that identity. Um, what other one? I the money one has been the biggest one. And another one was probably this one wasn't as obvious, but like I just mess everything up. Um my dad's my dad's was pretty hard on me. And so I just trusting myself to make any decisions, I guess, or second guessing myself. Um I'm gonna mess it up in some way, I'm wrong, I'm bad, I always make mistakes. Um or I have to be perfect. Does perfection just gets you all kinds of, you know, approval and acceptance, and that people can't tear you apart if if you're perfect, um and go to bed sleeping well, know that you just, you know. Yeah, it's it's just crazy. So I would say those were probably the biggest um labels that I put on myself.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, I can totally relate to parents affecting us in so many ways that sometimes we don't even realize. We just kind of just running through life, just living.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

SPEAKER_01

So, how did that way of seeing yourself um shape the choices that you made?

SPEAKER_00

It it everything that I did would just confirm what I believed about myself. I did not have this b verbiage, I did not have this awareness, but subconsciously, every single thought that I believed about myself or about the world or about money struggles was just manifesting into my life. So I was always struggling with bills, I was always living paycheck to paycheck. Um it just always showed up, and then I would always be like, Well, this is the this is what happens. I'm just always going to be the one that's struggling. Um so looking back now, I can see choices that I made even in relationships. Um even in relationships, the choices I made just what I just manifested another version of my dad, and then I'm like, I don't get it, I don't get it. And then when I got it, I'm like, oh, that makes sense why I made that choice. Um it's nothing I shame myself about now. It's just like it makes sense. These were your thoughts, like it makes sense that this is what your reality turned into. The the the choices you made were from the thoughts and beliefs you held about yourself. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, so it wasn't just like behavior, it was the identity underneath that behavior, and it was like almost like reinforcing what you believed, your constant actions.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, exactly. And like I said, none of this I knew none of this until I started doing the work, and then I could look back, but then that was a very beautiful thing because instead of shaming myself and being mad at myself for staying in a relationship for seven years that wasn't serving me, or you know, not going starting my purpose in life until I was 34. There were so many things that I just didn't know. Um, and things that happened to me that shaped who I thought I was was at the time and who I was going to be forever. Um, but yeah, those things fortunately shifted once I went on a journey to choose that.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it's good that you got to the point where you could have awareness. I think there's so many people that just never get there. They're just like their whole lives are like, why does the keep this keep happening to me? Why do I keep bringing the same people into my life? And it just stays there, a constant loop.

SPEAKER_00

It does. And those are the people that I like want to help so bad. Like I I'm like, I've been there, done that, I did this for years and years and years. Trust me, I that is a great question that you're asking yourself.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Now you just gotta see the answer, and then you're like, oh my god, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_01

When you trace the self-image back, do you think it was like more of the early experiences that shaped it, or was it more like adult life stuff?

SPEAKER_00

This is a really good question. So both, of course, both. Um my dad, early childhood, I would say my dad had more of an influence because he was so hard on me, is extremely critical, extremely judgmental. So that was a big part of that in my childhood. But the single most biggest event that like shaped my identity was like losing my mom. Um, it just shook every foundation. Um so, and that was when I was 25. Um, so it was definitely both. Uh which is like, I don't want to say it's crazy, but you know, this is our identity is like ever, ever evolving all the time. You know, just so much of our identity does come from childhood, and some people just stick with that identity from childhood until they pass away.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

But then as things, you know, happen to them, a lot of times it's manifesting just as the same things it did in in childhood. Um, but yeah, for me, it was it was definitely both adulthood and childhood.

SPEAKER_01

So when you were growing up, what got rewarded in your house? Was it like being helpful? You said I know you mentioned being perfect, um, that you had to kind of like remain there. Is there anything else that you had to be?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, rewarded. I don't know that I ever was. Um I'm trying to think, like my mom, I really have nothing bad to say about my mom, even though I'm sure she caused me a lot of trauma. I just did feel loved by her. But in terms of being rewarded, it definitely was you need to be perfect. Um, I'm six feet tall. So my dad was like, You're gonna be a basketball player, and you're gonna be a really good basketball player. So you better be really good. Um, and I was not, I was average, but it was not something. So as long as I was good on the basketball court, then my dad would be happy with me. But that was not, I mean, he it literally was an impossible task with him. I mean, he brought me in the room when I was in third grade and reprimanded me about things I did wrong on the basketball court. Like, I'm in third grade, and I'm like looking back and like this is insane. Um, so that didn't really answer your question in terms of it was like I think rewarded was just a lot of people pleasing and a lot of appeasing, just make my dad happy or attempt to in in whatever possible way you can. Um and I continued to try to do that for my whole life to get his approval, and he wasn't even in my life, like that's crazy.

SPEAKER_01

Right. I can totally relate because my dad was the same way. I had to be a certain way, I had to fit in a certain box for me to be worthy of like even speaking to me. So like I can totally relate.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, exactly. And it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_01

It is so. Can you give me an example of like how this showed up later, like in your business and money boundaries, like having to be perfect or having to fit into a certain mold?

SPEAKER_00

It showed up in everything, every every possible way. Um, I already said it manifested in my relationships, my identity. Um, you know, that one wasn't as obvious. I had to go through that relationship to really see the wounds come up in the relationship. Um, but I I just really played life safe. Um, I after my mom died, I didn't finish college because it happened so quickly, like after that. Um so I'm forgetting the question now. Remind me of the question again.

SPEAKER_01

Um, if you could give me an example of how to show up in your business, money boundaries, like um, you know, how you had to Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_00

It really it really showed up everywhere, but the most biggest part that affected me that I was most insecure about was probably like the money things. Um just because I was trying to be an example of my daughter, I probably wasn't being the best example in terms of the way that I would talk about money, the way I would be stressed out about money, you know. Um so it was just always showing up, but I would definitely say just the struggle of just always believing like that is what is going to happen in my life, just living paycheck to paycheck, robbing Peter to play Pay Paul. Um, money has always been probably my biggest limiting belief and biggest struggle. Relationships, yeah, that's fine, but like whatever. I don't know why that that's never been like my thing that's made me like super insecure. Um people pleasing boundaries no not happening, like whatever, it's fine. I mean, I wouldn't say I just allowed people to like crazily walk all over me, you know, but there were subtle things that um I would just say yes to instead of saying no to. Um, so it kind of was a little bit of everything, but my biggest was the way it showed up um in my financial life.

Anxiety And The Body Before Change

SPEAKER_01

Okay. So do you remember what was happening in your body like before you made the shift to who you are now? Like how did you feel in your body? Um, were you tense? Were you, you know, some people are crying? Were you always like on hold or waiting for something to happen?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um definitely, well, I already struggled with debilitating anxiety from like losing my mom. So that was really hard. Um, on the cusp of like me stepping outside of my comfort zone and like starting to heal, my body, I mean, literally freaked out for two weeks. I my manifestation of my anxiety is I get really, really bad like stomach cramps. So for 14 days straight, almost unbearable like stomach cramps. And I'm like, it all was just because I was starting to interview a lot bigger names on my podcast. I was working for a company, interviewing world-renowned experts. So all this stuff that like was so foreign to me. I had never interviewed people, I had never done any of this. My body was essentially like, what is this girl doing? We are in the middle of a freaking like, I don't know what's gonna happen to this girl second to second. And it was not fun. Um, that happens way less now, but I won't say it never happens because if we're constantly like trying to level up and do scary things, there's still potential that your your body could, you know, like, okay, what is she doing now? And like you feel it. Um but yeah, on that cusp of stepping outside my comfort zone at the very beginning and doing like life totally different than I had ever done, it was it was bad. My yeah, my nervous system was very scared and did not feel safe at all.

SPEAKER_01

So when you finally made the shift, how did you start feeling after? Like I know you said you mentioned you still kind of have to like fight or deal with your nervous system reacting every time you try to level up a little bit more. But once you realized, like, okay, I can do this, this is okay. Like, how did you start feeling in your body?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. One of the biggest things, this has been a challenge for me because I for a long time I was such like the mindset person, like mindset, mindset, mindset. And I'm like, okay, yes. But there was a whole like from here down, that's connected to this thing, and you gotta work on that too. And so just really learning how to create safety in my body. Um for for a long time, even like this year, I last year I kind of took a hiatus because there was some very personal things that happened in my life that kind of made me take a step back. And I had to almost like recreate that safety back in my body. Um but mindfulness, uh like meditation like really helped me. Um taking the smaller steps and not the giant leaps so your body doesn't go completely berserk has been super helpful for me. Um overwhelm is something that's really big for me. So I just know that I can get easily overwhelmed and then my body will just like retreat and say, no girl, we're we're not gonna do this, and I don't want that. Um, so it really has just been like slow, small, safe steps that my body doesn't go crazy. Um, which I think is probably the best approach for a lot of people.

Why Strategy Fails Without Identity

SPEAKER_01

Right. It's interesting. Now I want to talk to you about your clients because this is where most people like actually see themselves. What do high-achieving women usually think the problem is? And what is it actually?

SPEAKER_00

Well, so many people think it's either I'm not disciplined enough, I'm not motivated enough, um, I don't want it enough, like somebody out there, just whatever. Um, there's other people that can do it better than me. I'm not like I just don't have those capabilities. And what it actually is, is who you believe you are, who you believe you are not, what you believe you're capable of, what you believe you're not capable of. Um, and then just kind of if we really like looked down at things, there's going to be some consistent patterns that we would probably pick up on relatively quickly, like in a and not quickly, but in a conversation, you know, um, self-sabotaging behaviors, procrastination, overthinking, rumination, perfectionism. Um so it's usually there's an identity conflict of like who you believe you are, who you want to be, but you're like, I don't think I could get to be that. Um, and that's driving everything.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. I think identity is at the top. Like we try so many times we try to start with strategy, put systems in place, and although those are needed, like we need to start at the top, and things would flow so much easier.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, exactly. And like stuff won't like stuff won't stick. You know, people want to always change the behavior. I gotta change the behavior, I gotta change the behavior. And it's like, well, if you don't even believe that you're the person that can consistently stick with this behavior, then that's gonna go out the window in like a month or two. Like, I know this to be true. I have tried all these different strategies and they do not stick.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Like you're you're gonna regress back to who you've always been because that's who you think, that's who you are. Exactly. There's no other way, exactly. Now, what are what do you think they're afraid would happen if they actually change and succeeded?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh. Well, my biggest one was responsibility. Right. That's really scary. Like, what am I gonna have to do now? Um, I told you, overwhelm was my biggest thing. So then I'm like, overwhelm with more responsibility, that's scary. They think they're gonna lose people, they're gonna lose the connection of whoever, you know, oh my god, my best friend, my whatever. Um, so they think they're gonna lose people in their life that they actually care about. They think that they are going to not be able to sustain this, whoever they become. Um one for me is I'm scared if I actually get what I want, that it's gonna be taken away just like my mom has been taken away, just like my dad has been taken away. It's just gonna like confirm what I've subconsciously held. So I'm like, well, then if I don't want it, if I don't get it, then I can't lose it, you know?

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Um so yeah, those are some pretty big things that will definitely keep people stuck and not becoming who who they want. Or the very worst one is they're scared that they're gonna like reveal what's what they've always thought was true. They're so scared they're gonna confirm, like, oh crap, I really am not good enough. Oh my god, I'm really not capable. Nobody wants to find out that truth. So they're like, well, then I just won't try it and I don't have to find that out. But that's not true, that's just what your brain's trying to tell you.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. Yeah, one one the main one for me was also um, oh my god, the responsibility. Like, if this goes right, like what am I gonna do? How is this gonna work out? What am I gonna do with the rest of my world? That was so weird.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and like your brain comes up with the most craziest things. Oh my god, I'm gonna be working 150 hours, I'm never gonna see friends, and it's like pump the brakes. Like, is that really maybe, maybe a couple times, but like let's come up with a different picture than what your brain is is coming up with.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that usually comes up with the most bizarre stuff that I don't even it's not even close.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_01

Now, can you tell me about a recent client? Like, what was she doing? What was she avoiding, and what did it reveal about her identity?

SPEAKER_00

So let me let me think of of this person. One of the most recent clients was somebody that was really used to getting um approval in a way that was performance-based. Um and they were obviously um very used to being a perfectionist because this is what like got them approval and got them made their company money and and all of these things. Um and so we really had to start. This was not who this person wanted to be anymore. They wanted to be their true authentic selves instead of just this performance machine. Um, that that was their role that they lived for so long. And they're like, I'm burnt out. My health has literally declined. Throwing up in the office because I can't handle the pressure that I'm like putting under myself. Um so now we have been really working on changing who they believe themselves to be and working on that identity shift of you know, I am now the person who shows up for myself. Um things like that. So really what identity were you living from, or who do you believe you were, and then getting to who is it that you want to be today and and and what why is that, you know? Um and it's been an incredible journey to see like her dismantling those stories and also having the epiphanies of even like realizing I didn't even realize that I was getting so much approval or just trying to be this person that just got felt good enough only when I was performing for for everybody. Um, so just seeing that awareness kind of like unfold has been has been beautiful, you know. That's they're because they're now they're like, okay, that's good. So now that means you have choice, you can change directions now that you see what's going on. Um, so it's been beautiful to watch.

SPEAKER_01

So when they're trying to shift, like how often do they regress back into their own identity? Like they're finally starting to make progress and they're like moving towards where they want to be, and then all of a sudden, like, nope, never mind.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, well, this greatly, greatly varies on the individual. Um, of course, like everything is not black and white. Of course, we want that. We're like, oh yay, we're gonna have one session and we're gonna be this new version of ourselves, right? It doesn't, and I that doesn't work like that. It's it's kind of like we want to go try something small, something that's going to confirm, something that's gonna get you new evidence of like who, you know, I am the person that follows through, I am the person that speaks up, I am the person that whatever. They're probably gonna bump up against some resistance. We're gonna talk about like what happened, you know. Um, and then some people are just so like they're on a uh like an awareness high that they're like, oh my god, like I get it. It makes sense. Like, this is what I was doing, and this is why I was behaving this way. And then they just kind of like are off to the races, and they're like, now that I know, now I'm just gonna keep doing this and doing this and doing this. Um, and just starting to gather like all this new evidence for this identity. So it really just just vary person to person, depending on certain things. But what I really want to do is just try to help them take these small safe steps from this new identity. And then if resistance, if old patterns come up because they will, that's okay. We're just like readjusting, tweaking, like it is not gonna be a one and done, and that is okay. This is a whole process, and it's gonna continue. Like I said, I still get sometimes debilitating anxiety about, you know, I'm doing something I've never done. That's normal that your body is gonna be like, yikes, right?

Small Steps That Build Safety

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. So I know you've mentioned this a couple of times, taking small steps to kind of like reinforce that you can do this and this is okay and it's safe. So would you say it's better to take small steps towards your goal versus trying to take like giant leaps?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. One, because your nervous system is going to thank you much more with the smaller steps, because you know, even if it's um, you know, you're you're wanting to write a book, but you don't believe that you're somebody that is an author that's good enough to write a book or whatever. It is way easier for you to write one page, one paragraph today than it is like, okay, pump out a whole chapter. Like that's just a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I know some people are like, one chapter, that's easy, but for some people, it's like one sentence is too much, okay? So I have just been a huge advocate for even myself. Small steps is what has helped me. And then once I feel my body feels safe enough in that container, it's like, okay, I did write a paragraph. Maybe tomorrow I can write two pages, or maybe I can show up on TikTok live for more than five minutes, whatever it is. It's just like training for a marathon. Like, you're never going to start and run 10 miles out of the gate. You're gonna start with like, I'm gonna walk, and then I might run for three minutes and then I'm gonna walk. It's it I'm convinced that this is how most successful people build successfully the small steps. Yeah, at least until they're safety, you know, right.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's yeah, because most people, if they try to like make giant shifts, their body, you know, they either get stuck, they're like, then they start overanalyzing, and then it, you know, they start procrastinating, they're like, okay, maybe this is actually not for me at all.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And one thing that I haven't even talked about is is the like the meaning that we're making behind everything that we do. Like, okay, well, if you put pressure on yourself to write a chapter and you don't wind up writing the chapter, and then you shame yourself and I suck, I can't be consistent. Why do I think I could ever be an author when I can't even get a chapter out? You're making that mean something that is so not true. But if you can keep promises to yourself that I'm the person that shows up and, you know, just writes a couple sentences, you're gonna be so happy when you just wrote those couple sentences and you stuck to that promise and show your body that it's safe to do that, you'll be able to expand on that instead of going crazy.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. So when someone feels stuck or frozen, what do you notice happening in their body or or their nervous system?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um, well, one, they're they're frozen. There's some kind of sensation that's happening in their body, and we want to try to um locate that. I often want to just give the sensation a um, I often ask my clients, you know, if if this could have a voice, like what what would it be saying right now? Or um give me a shape, like where is it? Just because so many people aren't even aware, like body conscience, it's just like so much up here. But when we can like drop back into our body, um I think it's really helped my clients a lot when we do ask um what if your if your nervous system, if your stomach, if your sadness, if your fear, if whatever, you know, if it had a voice, like what what would it be like trying to say right now? Um but the nervous system work is just really important. And I feel like so many people and it's okay. They're they're just not aware, like, oh this is a this is a whole body thing that's going on. Um the tension, the sh like I always hold my shoulders a lot of times, like if I'm really like stressed out or I'm putting a lot of pressure on me, like just see how you're like sitting. Um, notice where there's nervousness. Is it in your stomach? Is it in your chest? Is there tightness? Is there, you know, is it in your throat? Like just starting to get curious about that alone can help sometimes like create the the safety, yes, you know? Um so yeah.

SPEAKER_01

How could they tell the difference between like pushing through and actually feeling safe?

SPEAKER_00

Well, your body's gonna tell you number one, but like very, very quickly. Um pushing through obviously just feels forced. It doesn't feel like this um this ease, if you will. I mean, that that is just all I used to operate from was just this pressure. And I could just tell, like, first of all, it doesn't make what you're doing fun. It doesn't make what you're doing fun. But there's so many like small things, like for a long time, for about a month earlier this year, I have always had to wake up and just like put my heart, put my hand on my heart and on my stomach and just say, like, I am safe in my body, and just do some like four deep breaths in to just show like, hey, your body's safe. Um, before my mind started going through, like, okay, and you gotta do this, and you gotta do this, and you gotta do this, showing my body that it is okay, you are safe now. And anything that you do after this, you're still going to be um safe. So, yeah, it's gonna take practice to like be able to feel your body if you if you've never done any kind of like body awareness or anything, and you're like, Yeah, I've just kind of been going with it, but you also know like some things are just unavoidable, like the stomach cramps that my anxiety would give me. You're like, okay, something is going on. There is some kind of fear here that it's like freaking out or whatever. Um, so yeah, practices can be mindfulness practices can like really, really help with that so things don't feel so forced.

SPEAKER_01

Um what I used to do, and I still do is when I would start spiraling, I'll be like, okay, I have to breathe. It's time to breathe. And I would literally do the same, like like you said, you know, four in, six out. Yep. And I would do it till I started feeling like calm, be like, okay. Exactly. Moving forward.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It sounds so simple, I but it is literally the most powerful thing that you can do. Your body needs to go back into that parasympathetic like state. Yes. Also, it will slow down your thoughts. Literally, your brain waves are going to slow down much more than if you're in this, you know, beta state and you're just like, oh my god, all these thoughts are coming at me. I don't know what to do. Breathing is going to be the number one thing that can help that.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. And so many people think it's almost ridiculous. I was one of them. But I'll be like, oh, just breathe. And I'm like, I breathe all the time. Exactly. I'm breathing right now. What do you mean? And once I was like, okay, let me give it a try. And I was like, okay, it actually works.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, I know. Because it sounds so stupid. You just want to smack somebody across the face. Yes, it does breathe, and you're like, no, but really, like that itch is where you have to.

Breathing And Nervous System Signals

SPEAKER_01

Yes, that's so funny. What tends to shift when someone starts moving forward?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh. Sorry. Everything. It's such an exciting time. Their confidence starts to shift. They start seeing, like, oh my God, maybe I really could do this. Maybe this really could be me. Um, their behaviors, their thoughts, you know, start becoming like full of possibility. Um, outcomes is, I mean, the outcomes, of course, we always want to try something and then have the idea like, okay, when I do this, I'm gonna get 20 sales, or I'm gonna get this. Um the outcomes will start changing, but just be careful that you don't set yourself up for failure and you're so attached to those outcomes that then it when it doesn't happen, you start retreating back. But it's literally worth it it everything, everything changes. It how you see yourself, how you show up, your actions, consistency, um, better thoughts, which it all leads to better well-being in general, better better relationships. I mean, but my life has changed like twenty-fold since changing who I believed that I was. I mean, completely, completely. I wouldn't say I'm a completely different person, but I I have things that I want to do in this life and and help people, and I would have never have been able to do that, being the the version that I was before, which I don't shame her. She was just trying to get through life the best she could. Um, but now like we are put here. We, you know, have callings, have purpose, have have the right to have fun in life, be our true authentic selves. Um, and everybody deserves to be that version of themselves.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. Yeah. So how do you think it shows up like in their business? And do you think it changes how they interact with people in general?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So in business, it's whatever goals you're trying to go for, more money, more clients, um what more followers, uh, whatever it is, it's the results are eventually going to happen if you stick with this continued identity. Um so whatever results you're looking for, I am not guaranteeing them they're gonna happen immediately or they're gonna happen whatever, but you're guaranteed not to get any results if you just stay stuck. Um, so whatever it is that you're wanting to achieve in your business, just know if you are consistently stepping into that version of you that does make the$100,000 a year, that does have however many clients, or that does have this, it will happen if you stay the course. And then one of these days you're gonna like wake up and you're like, holy crap, I am I am her. I am her. Right. That's what I thought about like a year ago or six months, six months ago. But even just the little shifts of like, oh my god, like I raised my prices and I just told somebody this price, and I have never said that. I am the girl that can name this price and not have sham about it. Um, and that's just a really exciting time. You asked another part. You you said what can happen in their business? What was the second part of that question?

SPEAKER_01

Um, what can happen in their business? And now I forgot.

SPEAKER_00

Sorry, I went I went on that that direction, and I totally forgot the second part. Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I was asking, what can happen in their business? And does it change how they interact with other people in general?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, you really do start showing up as when you believe I am somebody that can be consistent, I am somebody that can speak up, I am somebody that can set boundaries, I am somebody that can name a price that I feel totally in alignment with. Um, yeah, your relationships do change. Um, I think for the better. Of course, I'm not saying everybody's just gonna be a yes person and always say yes to you, but you just showing up more confidently, people just respond to you naturally differently because of that, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Right, because you have more confidence now and you and you're living ident um authentically, right?

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, exactly. And people can tell, like before, if you're like, okay, well, um, so the prices for coaching are, you know, instead of like, okay, so your your whole physical physiology is changing, and people can literally feel that, um, which makes people trust you more. They're like, oh, I can really tell that like they know what they're doing and they seem really confident in this, and I really think they can help me. And yeah. Sorry, my dog just barked.

Pricing Confidence And Worth Stories

SPEAKER_01

Oh, no worries. So you mentioned the pricing where they finally can say the pricing out loud and change their prices. So, how how normally how do they like push through that or have the friction of like, okay, like I can't say this number, that's that's just too much, or that they over maybe overwork themselves to prove, like, uh I've you know, I'm gonna get you this for this amount.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think it's really what feels best in their body. Like, I know that's not probably the answer that people want to hear. It's like, no, like, give me a number, I want to know a number. But it's like if you are not comfortable with saying a number, then don't say that number because it's not it's probably not gonna show up like they're gonna tell that there's some kind of tension or you don't even trust that number, or they're like people can see little micro like you know, um, expressions. And so my biggest advice is if it if it doesn't feel good in your body or if it doesn't feel natural, of course you can press the envelope a little bit. But if it just sounds like I am saying a number that is so off the wall, maybe not do that number, you know, like because it it might not translate well and you you won't feel good in your body. And that's something that I've had to work hard on too, because you know, people I've I've taken advice from have told me just crazy outlandish numbers, and they're like, just do it. And I just I there was so much resistance in my body that I'm like, girl, what are you doing? Like, you don't have to do this, like, this isn't the one end all be all, like only choice you you can do. Um, so I say just listen, listen to your body. What feels good to you and comfortable and safe for you?

SPEAKER_01

Right. So if you have a client that's like, I want to raise my prices, I know I'm charging too low, but perhaps they don't think you know that they have enough experience or they're not good enough yet, but they know that their services should be more. How would you handle that?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, that's a good question. Well, first of all, I want to dismantle the story of why they think that they're not good enough, or like what evidence do they have for that? Um, really start breaking that story apart. And then, I mean, I really get crazy with my questions. Like, why does this number say I'm worthy of this number? Why does this number say I'm not worthy? Because at the end of the day, they are just numbers, but I get it. Like, I do get it. Um, so starting there, like, tell me about the story that's popping up. Tell me what your brain is picturing, you know, like, oh, I'm already picturing when I go and tell this next potential client. I just picture they're gonna say, absolutely not, no way, I can't afford that. Are you crazy, girl? Like, you're picturing something, so let's dismantle that picture um and replace that with something that feels naturally more believable to you, um and help with that, right?

SPEAKER_01

It's so when you're helping right. So when you're helping them break that identity and break those old beliefs, is there a moment where it just finally clicks for them and they're like, oh, okay, like I actually deserve this. I can charge these prices.

SPEAKER_00

There's so many moments, like there's so many aha moments with like asking the right questions. Um I mean, the questions are so freaking powerful that like they've potentially have never been asked before. They're like, damn, I didn't even consider that. And then like you literally see a light bulb like going off in like their head, and they're like, these are what coaches talk about, these aha moments, because aha moments now show you oh, I don't have to stick with this story anymore, I don't have to stick with this identity anymore. I now can choose differently.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

And that like the power of choice is everything, but you do have to have a light bulb moment, an aha moment to be able to be like, okay, I think I might actually be good enough. Like, okay, I can believe it a little bit. And it's like, great. If you can believe it just a little bit, let's let's like run with that. You know, you don't need just, I'm not good enough to, oh my god, yes, like there's gonna be resistance, but that's okay. Um, yeah. Aha moment for everything.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so they don't they don't need like a full conviction, they just need to have some belief in there.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Um, Jen Gottlieb, who I took one of her courses, she is so incredible. One of the things that she said is like, just if you can believe in yourself just a little bit more than you don't, like just a little bit more than you didn't yesterday. Like, can you do that? Like, even when One percent. And it's like, okay, one percent is not so bad. Like that's that's doable. You know? The small things.

Stop Making Outcomes Mean You Fail

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. What's one question you'd wish I asked you about identity work?

SPEAKER_00

Oh dang. I'm really big on like the outcomes and what people make them mean. And so many people are making meanings out of well, that means I suck. That means I'm not good enough. So maybe something around like, what do people meet make outcomes mean about their identity?

SPEAKER_01

So what do they?

SPEAKER_00

I knew that was. I know you're like, okay, falls back in your face. Let's go. Um, yeah, that is the big like humans are meaning-making machines. This is how we survive in the world. If Desi all of a sudden looks at me in a weird way, I'm like, oh, that means she is like, what did she just say? Like, we're making it mean something. And sometimes we're spot on, and other times we are dead wrong. So when we're looking at these outcomes, like, oh my God, if I go and finally speak up, or if I finally raise my prices, you are probably attached to an outcome that you want. And so the second that somebody tells you no, the second that somebody didn't receive you speaking up well, you make that mean, well, this is how it's always gonna be. Why did I speak up? Why did I raise my prices? So you're making it mean something, but deeper you're making it mean something about who you are. I just can't be the person that ever speaks up. I just can't be the person. I'm just always going to be in this income bracket, or I'm always gonna be that person, or you don't follow through. I'm just not the person who's consistent. Um, you're always making an outcome mean something about who you are, and that's not true. If you change the meaning of that, your whole world will change. Like if you failed at something, instead of you making it mean I am a failure, I suck, I whatever, what if you made failure mean I am somebody that was actually really brave and did something really scary? I am the person that continues to step out of my comfort zone despite it being really uncomfortable. I am the person that learns something instead of staying stuck. If you make that the meaning different and it's more true than what your brain is like trying to tell you, you will start showing up differently because you're making it mean something completely different. And you're like, oh yeah, that's not scary. I am somebody that is brave. I am somebody stepping out of my comfort zone. Um, so changing the meaning.

SPEAKER_01

So when they're trying to change that meaning, how what does that look like? Do you is it just affirmations? Does are they taking small steps?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, um both. I think the like what I'm about to have a workshop, um, like two local workshops. And one of the biggest questions that I'm going to ask people is I want to come up with a plan for when somebody steps outside their comfort zone from this new identity. I'm somebody who speaks up now, I'm somebody who raises my prices. They are maybe not going to get the outcome that they want. And immediately their brain is going to come up with something. What I want to do is I want to kind of have, like, for lack of better better better words, of like this wobble plan of like, what are you going to tell yourself when you do not get the outcome that you want instead of going back to what your patterns are used to. I suck, I couldn't do this right. Um, why did I even try? This isn't meant for me. I'm just not good enough. So I really want to like help people um have have a plan after they might not get the outcome they want, and they're gonna start defaulting back to old patterns and programs. What are you gonna tell yourself if it doesn't work out? What are you going to believe about yourself differently when it doesn't work out? Um, which is kind of what I was saying earlier. So that's after they take the action. Um prior to I don't know if anybody's ever read the book James Clear or James Clear's Atomic Habits, but he is so big on identity, like that is how habits change, that is how behaviors change, it's all at an identity level. So one of the questions or one of the things that he says is every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. And so one time I literally made a chart, like a worksheet for my clients of like old version and new version, and like just doing a tally kind of of like, did I act from this old version or did I act in this new version? And it's kind of like a game because now you're consciously doing it. You're like, oh, I'm going to consciously act like the new version of myself, who shows up, who is consistent, who speaks up, who raises her prices, who whatever. Um, so that was like a fun thing because it gets people consciously thinking about it, you know, like, oh, I want more points in my my better version of myself. Right. Um, so it's a before you take the action, you know, like really looking at your thoughts, um asking yourself questions like if I wanted to get the outcome that I wanted, who do I need to be today? What actions do I need to be, or what actions do I need to be taking? What thoughts do I need to be thinking? Um, yeah, so there's things you can do before and after.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think that part that workshop sounds powerful because I think so many people, once they start taking steps and almost making breakthroughs, if things don't go exactly as they want them, because they have these stories in their mind, then they're like, okay, you know what? I'm going back to, you know, my other job. I've I it's comfortable there, I know what to expect, and I don't have to like deal with this.

SPEAKER_00

Yep. You said it perfectly. I know what to expect. I at least know what to expect here. Here, you're literally like on an island and you're like, I don't know what to what is about to come at me. But that is the greatest thing, is you don't know what's gonna come at you. And it's like that's the good news because there's so many great things, there's so many possibilities and opportunities when you step into this different version. If you stay into the same version of you that you've always been, you're gonna get the same outcomes you've always got. Like literally, you will just consistently recreate your past over and over and over and over again. Um, so I know that it's scary. I know that, but you can also make the unfamiliar your like new familiar, you know. Like I had never interviewed people in my life before. Now I've interviewed over God, 500 people, like just a lot, you know. Um, it's a new familiar. I don't get nervous, I don't whatever. You can make these things new, like you're just expanding your your show, your version. I don't know.

A Message For Women Feeling Stuck

SPEAKER_01

Okay, last question. Yes. If you had one minute to speak directly to a woman who feels stuck right now, what would you say?

SPEAKER_00

Well, first of all, I want to say that it's not it's not hopeless. Um, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not the one that's messed up, you're not the hot mess, you're not, it's none of those things. This is just old conditioning, it's just old patterns. That is your brain trying to just look at the past to try to say, but see, you can't you can't have this, the the person that you're thinking of now. So I want you to know that that is completely normal. You're a human and that's what humans are going to do. But I also want you to know that you deserve to at least try to go after what it is that you want. Like you genuinely deserve it. I don't care anything about your background, I don't care anything. I don't care who you are, what bad you have done. You deserve to step into a different version of yourself and be your true authentic self and get whatever it is that you want. Money, joy, freedom, peace, happiness, love. I don't care. Like you deserve that. And I am the kind of person I was haunted by the version that I wanted to become, and I feel like so many people are, and they just stay in this like conflict forever, a very, very long time. Um, but I promise you, this is gonna be the most cliche saying is like everything truly is on the other side of like the unknown and the fear. And you are gonna be so proud of yourself, like you really, really are. Um, so don't discount yourself and absolutely go after it. That's awesome.

Where To Find Melissa Bright

SPEAKER_01

I love that message. I love that message. So thank you so much, Mel. I really appreciate you being here. Now, where can people find you and connect with your work?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, so right now I don't have a website at this current time, so I'm gonna tell you my um TikTok handle. Uh right now it's it's Mel the Mindset Coach, which is very long, but it's Mel the Mindset Coach. So people can find me there. Um, I'm on Instagram, but if you just Google Melissa Bright, you're probably going to find most of my stuff. Um, I had the Bright Side of Life podcast. So yeah, you can find me there.

SPEAKER_01

Amazing. I'll go ahead and link those below so everybody can see those. Perfect. Yes. Well, thank you. I really appreciate this. If this conversation sparks something in you, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you're a woman who's been doing everything right but can't seem to break past a certain level, DM me the word stuck on LinkedIn.